I think it’s about time that I threw myself into the whole cooking game once again. It’s been a while since I whipped up a proper storm in the kitchen and I’m getting a little frustrated for lack of culinary exertion. I think I’m going to try my hand at the French Cuisine and attempt Fondue Bourguignonne avec Salade Verte. But with such a healthy main course, I’ll definitely be in need of a devilish dessert, maybe Profiteroles au Chocolat with extra lashings of thick cream. Now all I need is the cutesy pinnie and I’m ready to roll. Have been looking into visiting the Good Food show again this year as last year was absolutely brilliant. Along with all the food and champagne testing, there really is some amazing produce out there that my eyes haven’t been opened to yet.

Started my ‘call girl’ role tonight and can’t say I was overjoyed by the whole experience. It’s tedious work but I guess it will fund the shopping habit that I do so love.

Heard a charming poem today written by Wendy Cope that reminded me of all the whole ‘falling in love’ tirade:

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On Waterloo Bridge where we said our goodbyes,
the weather conditions bring tears to my eyes.
I wipe them away with a black woolly glove
And try not to notice I’ve fallen in love.

On Waterloo Bridge with the wind in my hair
I am tempted to skip. You’re a fool. I don’t care.
the head does its best but the heart is the boss-
I admit it before I am halfway across.

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How beautiful is that? It makes me think of happy times and warm summery days with the birds singing and that feeling of excitement and exuberance that seems to start in the pit of your stomach and fizz up to your head. It reminds me of…love.

Stayed at the PS over the weekend and had a good time with the girls catching up and gossiping over too much red wine. It reminds me how lucky I am to have friends who have been there through most of my life – there are just so many lovely (and not so lovely) memories that always seem to surface and make me smile. Talking of smiling, I am well and truly blessed. I won a free ‘sugar donut’ at McDonalds earlier this evening. How very exciting! C and I played the game where you have to eat a whole donut without licking your lips. Although we must have looked terribly retarded and unclean to any passers-by, we had a nice time.

I saw an exquisite view of Stainborough whilst driving over the weekend. Actually rather breathtaking. The kind of view that makes you sit back and think, ‘gosh, I really am so lucky.’ Every time I feel inspired like that, it makes me realise how much I’d love to wake up every morning surrounded by something so beautiful and tranquil. I can’t wait until I have the funds to jet away to somewhere gorgeous and feel awestruck all of the time. Paris has been calling me for a good while now. Along with the Ballet of course…

There are many things in my life that I regret, some big some small. Some just plain stupid. I really hate that word ‘regret’ though. It’s such an ugly word.

I regret:

• Not carrying on with Ballet
• Keeping my barriers firmly around my heart
• Not being able to let myself fall completely
• Not holding on to what was the most important things in my life
• Hiding my feelings
• Drinking way too much red wine so that I can’t remember a bangin’ conversation I had the night before
• Not winning that Pog Slammer in the smackdown in the school playground
• Being too much of a pussy to ride Space Mountain in Paris
• Spending way too much money on pretty outfits and rings
• Loving somebody when it’s not returned
• Not believing in myself more often

Time to take a deep breath in and move onwards and upwards.

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On to a nicer subject now. Had a little cat nap this afternoon and afterwards spent the hour in my bed with C watching the world go by on the street below. Ended up having a wrestling sesh and talking complete and utter rubbish about how strange some words sound when you say them repeatedly. We must have been so bored. Decided to break out our Chef Ramsay roots and whipped up a storm in the kitchen before going for a fierce drive in the hunt to find a cash machine that prints ministatements. It took us all of an hour, two drunk men, dodging boy racers and a lot of N-Dubz to find one.

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I’m really not a fan of builders you know, especially those who cruise past you in their big beastly truck and stare right down into your car whilst you are trying to eat your morning sausage. How rude. I don’t like them even more when they slow the pace down to look a little closer and acquire a villainous grin that makes them both look creepy and retarded. Jog on…trucker trucker trucker….

Heard a very intriguing conversation earlier:

B: “Well, it is a really nice restaurant.”
O: “What makes it so special? The service, the food?”
B: “Well, the waiter always flirts with all the women…”
O: “Wow…that’s brilliant! That’s really good…I think I should go!”

O then proceeded to talk about a lovely restaurant she knows that’s located between a lap dancing club and a Christian bookstore. I wonder how she discovered that? You filthy animal O….

Had a peruse around Coco de Mer earlier and was rather surprised to see a leather Dog Mask for use in bondage. The description encourages the wearer to act like a dog and either prick the ears to attention or bend into submission…one would think that one was into beastiality…how inelegant.

The Coco de Mer ‘Mad Hatters Tease Party’ will soon be underway in LA and I am rather jealous that I’m in the UK. The write up sounds quite alluring:

“After falling down the rabbit hole and into Wonderland, a tea party for red queens and mad hatters is only proper, n’est pas?

I’ve been rummaging through my armoire looking for just the things with which to host the highest of high teas. You will know where you stand when you dip your tea bag into my fine porcelain cup. I’ll serve a fingering of sandwiches inspired by the Seven Deadly sins with plates to match. “Eat me,” they demand.
And you will comply, swelling to your prodigious size. For the well-seasoned guest, it’s a stiff order, but these salt and pepper shakers should do. When I get to the cream-filled éclairs…

We won’t devour such delicacies on any old dish. My Vintage Cock and Pussy Plates beg to be licked clean.

Who will raise a toast to tea, but the White Rabbit? But where did that frisky bunny get to?”

Oh my…why is a raven like a writing desk once again? Prey tell…and whilst you are explaining, do pass me the whipped cream. After all, they say men are the ones who discovered fire, but women are the ones who learned to play with it…

Had my early morning wake up call and was happy to wake up to the birds singing and sunlight shining through the windows. Only a few certain things to make it better; Earl Grey, Marvin Gaye and a Strawberries and Cream oily bath. Mmm perfect Morning.

I’ve come to the realisation that people don’t change. It’s just not entirely possible. Sure, they may change a few things but in time they’ll trip over the shadow of their former selves and you’ll be left feeling like an idiot for ever believing their bull. My mum always said; ‘Know who you are and keep your own council.’ Good solid advice that. Upon that and my realisation, I’m going to weed out the ‘Nettles’ from my Roses and get rid of the unsavoury characters in my life. I think I’ll breathe better for it. No more bull and problems. Bliss. It’ll be nice to not have to watch my back and my mouth for a change.

I’ve also had enough of being told what to do. FYI, from now on, I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. And I don’t care for anybody who tells me otherwise.

Had to spend a good hour and a half of my life yesterday with my hands in a bowl of acetone soaking off stubborn overlays. Note to self: Never do this is a small, un-vented room. You WILL feel a little ill on the fumes. It was completely worth it though – I’m now sporting fierce ‘midnight blue’ talons.

A good thing to remember is that red wine does play true to the UB40 song…”Red red wine you make me feel so grand , I feel a million dollars when your just in my hand.” Had a night full of a luscious Ruby Cabernet which resulted in Midnight Sausage and an eventful email session. Which I actually JUST remembered. Oh the shame….or the excitement?

I think it’s about time I went back to the teasing Burlesque roots and did something wild in my life le Moulin Rouge style. I hear Sydney has a great alternative…

Anyway, right now, all I’m interested in is a good stretching session and a hot, oily bath…ciao.

Everybody has secrets..don’t they? Along with hidden desires that they could never breathe a word of in fear of how it would affect their lives. I have secrets. I have desires. You just have to meet the right person to bring them bubbling to the wicked surface. Someone to slowly caress the words from your lips…somebody to bring you to life.

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Everybody masquerades under a certain identity intending to cover their flaws and obscene innermost longings. I think it’s time to remove the mask as my imagination runs more incandescent and restless. It’s time for something superior and dominating. It’s time for…me.

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Ingredients for a puuuurfect afternoon:

1 bright red babydoll

1 bottle of oil

1 glass of strong, hard whisky

Soixante Neuf

A selection of carefully chosen ‘props’

1 hot, oiled bubble bath

1 Telephone

1 pair of killer heels

1 immeasurable helping of delirium

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Mix together with a helping of raw, hot passion and let the games begin.

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I’ve had a red light off-the-wrist without me even getting kissed…dans public s’il vous plaît…

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Do you ever look at somebody and think…’you complete numpty?’ I did today. At three people actually. I hate it when people sit there in their own smugness with what can only be described as a ‘sock’ or ‘tea cosy’ on their head spouting off and chatting shit about nothing in particular. My god…give us all a break and go back to the gnome garden yeah?

Had a run in with a big yellow school bus today. It’s amazing how many people think they can cut you up just because you have a little car…fierce things come in small packages Mr Bus Man…be warned!

I keep getting accused of being ‘posh’. Yes, you know who you are you little tinkers! It’s utter balderdash! One may resort to uttering ‘Fiddlesticks’ and ‘Oh crumbs’ instead of the usual ‘Bloody Hell!’

Had a very embarrassing experience in a lecture yesterday. I was casually sitting around, chilling out in my miniskirt waiting for the lecture to begin when suddenly I heard a vague ‘sniggling’ behind me. Only to notice that the French boys in the lecture were copping an eyeful of my stockings and suspenders. I was literally sat with my skirt around my waist…completely unaware. Oh mon dieu!!! Also realised my tutor was standing in front of me at said point of realisation. It was an uncomfortable situation to be in indeed. The sexy side of Politics. Gained myself the tag of ‘Rampant Redhead’. Oh my…

Went for a LONG drive with D tonight. By long I mean like, almost three hours. Could not have cared less though, it was good to get away and be somewhere different for a while. God knows where we went to, a large selection of far away places – occasionally stopping to admire the pretty views covered in lights (buzzzzzz) overlit by the moon and stars. Perfect. It’s worth feeling shattered over.

I’m still praying to the Tea God. He isn’t listening. How much more Earl Grey do I need to consume? Not that it bothers me really – I love it.

There’s a lot of things in life that happen, some good, some bad. But you can bet on the fact that everything happens for a reason – and no matter what that reason, it’ll work out in the end. Somewhere along the way. What’s that old line…’If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back to you, they were always yours?’ I don’t know, something like that. Maybe it’s true…or not. Who knows.

I feel like I’ve lost my head along with my heart tonight. Better find them both again in time for tomorrow.

I wonder what it is about people around here? They find it so hard to understand ‘no pay, no way’. I’m of course speaking with reference to the club and not some seedy act one witnessed on Friday night. Found myself shouting at a hefty black man…”You either pay, or you don’t get in…simple as!” He then ran past me and ducked into the club. Disculparme?! Do not mess with the Divine! Like a pack of dogs on a 3 legged cat, I caught up with said heffer and slapped him down with a bit of verbal before ‘escorting’ him out of the front door. I’m in charge now…fierce times indeed.

Also had an incident on the dancefloor – please remember, I do not appreciate drunken louts trying to touch me and telling me “You so hot baby you on fiyaaaah!” Sweetheart, touch me one more time and you’ll be one on ‘fiyah’ yeah? Step back.

Stayed at B’s last night and woke up to her charging at me completely naked before jumping me. Only had a few seconds to shout “Shiiiiit!” and duck under the covers. What a strange wake up call! Had a nice time talking about the events of last night involving a pizza guy, ‘tickle tickle’ and a lot of mayonnaise…intrigued? I bet…

It’s a gorgeous day here today so fancied a nice drive. Visited the family too for a bit of down time. Of course, it ended up in French Coffees and lots of gossip. Just the way I like it.

I know I’m sad but I LOVE reading my horoscope so here’s my daily dose of scope…

“Things may be on hold but it’s now that you’re able to work behind the scenes. As you prepare for Saturn’s return, that brings a major chance to get things on track, step back and put things into perspective, trusting that the right support will kick in, at the right time. With Venus arriving next Thursday the universe is already conspiring on your behalf.”

How lovely…I’ll just kick back and relax and pour myself a chilled glass of happiness then.

Sometimes in life, you have to get away. You have to throw caution to the wind and do something completely out of character. You need to feel alive. Not just alive, but living. I have never felt so strange in all my life. Woke up with the feeling that something was not right – that something was the fact that I slept in my 6 inch stilettos and miniskirt…lovely.

Then the flashbacks came…I remember whisky – lots of it. And a house party full of, well…pretty much sex, drugs and rock n roll with a bit of rave and happy gas thrown in for good measure. I remember tears and tantrums, incessant giggling and debaucherous acts all rolled into one. I remember police parading outside making sure nothing bad happened – they can’t have looked inside.

I also remember making honey on toast when I got home and making best friends with the taxi driver. He kept saying…’Love, you are worth the world…worth the world gorgeous…’ I can’t remember his name.

Had a lovely time dancing to Mr Bojangles with J…as I’ve said before, Nina Simone makes me happy! Along with the Robbie Williams version on ‘Swing when your winning’. J and I agree that that album is the perfect ‘driving back home’ soundtrack. Also, tried to show J and C how to remove gloves seductively in a Burlesque routine. Note to self: Long silk gloves cannot be replaced by small, leather gloves. It does not work. I tried…and failed. Shameful.

So now I’m sat here with a cup of earl grey and a cupcake thinking that I stepped into the wild side of life…just for one night. One night to live, forget and let my hair down. One night of pure defilement.

Had a lovely night last night catching up with old friends. It’s amazing how certain people make you smile and forget all of your worries, even if it is only temporary. Saying that, yesterdays optimistic streak is firmly out of the window. It’s that far away it’s invisible to me. C was ever so kind as to make me Earl Grey in a teacup and saucer. It made me smile. I’m glad to have such lovely friends. Tea solves all problems doesn’t it? Upset? Have a cup of tea….unfortunately, I’m now on my third cup and I’m not feeling the Tea High yet. The tea belly jokes will start again soon I’m sure.

Meant to meet A for drinks later, may give it a miss tonight and go for a long drive somewhere new. Would love to book a one way ticket out of here but then again, home is where the heart is.

Had a phone call today offering good news on a job I applied for…have to wait until next week to get the full news. How can they tease like that?

Do you ever wish with all your heart that a certain special person was still in your life to help you out? I do…my grandad was the one person who I literally ran to every time I felt upset. He’d put me on his lap and give me a huge cuddle and tell me that I was a princess and that he loved me. I wish that could still happen. Then he’d pretend I was Cinderella and that I was getting ready for the ball. I’d go and dance in the kitchen with my imaginary prince until grandad pretended to be the clock chimimg midnight then I’d run as fast as I could back into his arms before my ball gown turned to rags. Then we’d colour in and watch Care bears. I wish things were still that simple. I love you grandad…wherever you are.