Decided to take the pooch on a little expedition to the post office today, she seemed to rather enjoy having a nosey around the neighbourhood. It was all going terribly well until a bus came roaring past and I ended up with L flying from my arms and up onto my shoulder where she sat cowering. I dare say I have a parrot in furry chi-chi disguise. Got approached by an 8 year old girl with her friend who exclaimed “Excuse me, can I touch your puppy please?” Yes love, the left or right? I obviously jest, that would be extremely inappropriate…

Speaking of inappropriate, my Dad had a blood test today and his conversation with the Nurse panned out like this:

Nurse: “In a moment you’ll feel a small scratch.”

Dad: “Since when did you start saying ‘small scratch’ instead of ‘small prick?’”

Nurse: “Ever since I told an old man he’d feel a ‘small prick’ and he replied with, ‘oooh, have you been peeping?’”

Jesus Christ Almighty…

I’ve had such an unproductive day today it’s unreal. I woke up with good intentions to watch breakfast news (did that), read The Independent (managed that one too), tackle the washing (check), read up on LFW (ermmm), wash the car (ah…nope), and hoover the house (say what?) So yes, on the production scale I did not do too well. Instead I made lunch, fainted in the process then had to have a couple of hours lying down resting which consisted of fielding telephone calls and waking up to texts.

I feel SO bored with life at the moment…yawn. It’s such a boring process of waking up, doing the housework, eating and then sleeping only to wake up and do it all again. I guess it’ll be much better in a couple of weeks when the puppy will be able to get out and about so we can go for nice walkies every day. Where have the glamorous days gone of retail therapy, nice lunches out, girly coffee meet ups, salon visits and heart-fluttering dates? Down the drain along with my money I suspect.

Anyway, time for a fresh start tomorrow by an early visit to the gym. I need my personal trainer to whip me into shape just in time for the special surprise birthday celebrations I have planned. I would reveal more but then it wouldn’t be a surprise would it? (I can so imagine the face of disdain right now). Good things come to those who wait, right D?

Don’t you just hate those days where you feel completely miserable and lost and can’t even have a break by getting outside because of the pouring rain? Even a cup of Earl Grey and Vanilla tea in my favourite teacup sat watching the rain didn’t manage to lift my mood that much. Or even indulging in my current can’t-put-it-down book. And it’s all my fault…

At some point last night I remember thinking, “oh fiddlesticks, tomorrow’s hangover is going to be a killer.” Yet, it didn’t stop my alcohol fuelled brain into telling me that one more glass of Rose would not help the coming problem. And so I had another….three. Waking up today on a rather deflated air bed was made a million times worse by the sickly feeling in my stomach and the persistent pounding in my head. I remembered one of the boys asking me out the night before and politely declining several times over. Like my headache, he was also very persistent.

Dribbling drunk guy: “Do you really not want to go on a date with me?”
Me: “No. Thank you.”
Dribbling drunk guy: “So, why? Don’t you fancy me?”
Me: “No…I don’t. I’m not interested.”
Dribbling drunk guy: “Just one date?”
Me: “For God sake…NO!!!”
Dribbling drunk guy: “I’ll show you a good time love”
Me: “And I’ll show you a black eye. Love.”

I really do not understand why the word “no” is so terribly difficult to understand.

How the heck can you still be miserable when you have a perfectly chilled glass of champagne along with a Frappuccino Mousse on the side waiting to be devoured? Goodness knows but it’s very possible.

I managed to have a good old laugh at Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow on TV though. There’s a guy I know who always, always wears Lacoste shirts and claims they’re “quality gear, mate” (I like your crocodile mate. Wink, wink) anyway, it just so happens that said crocodile was a topic of discussion on the show: “I’m wearing a designer label…I have money that’s why. Look at my crocodile, you don’t have one do you? Do you?! I’m that rich that sometimes………………………………my crocodile plays Polo.”Now, imagine this said in a London/Berkshire accent (apparently that’s what the Reading accent now sounds like according to Paul Kerswill) coming out of a not too dissimilar figure to Peter Kay and you have quite an amusing image.

I also got a laugh out of a conversation from a friend who had been refunded by an online store for £2,400 instead of the mere £24.00 he actually paid for the offending item. It’s been 11 days now and the money is still sitting pretty in his bank account, he thinks that they won’t notice you see. I found it highly amusing as I know he is a big shopper of the Kappa brand. I’m thinking that upon the loss of £2,400 I should say the company would be well and truly bankrupt. You ballsed that one up Mr Refund man didn’t you?!

When I finally talked my parents into getting me the perfect little puppy, I never imagined such a cute little ball of fluff could be so horrendously smelly! Myself and the puppy were casually laid out on the sofa this afternoon watching “Vets in Action”, she was laid over my chest looking all cute and hiccupping then all of a sudden a stench hit me that would be powerful enough to knock Al Murray down to the ground. Good heavens above…where the hell is the puppy spray when you need it?!