What a busy day today has been! I have spent the majority of the evening cooking in preparation for tomorrow. Maybe I put way too much effort into things but then again if I didn’t do that, it wouldn’t be me. I just hope that everything turns out perfectly again. If it rains I will definitely not be too happy!

Had an hour of sleep this afternoon and I had the strangest collection of dreams ever. Before I explain the dreams, I have to firstly enlighten you on a conversation F had about her 25 year old boyfriend DF with our friend B. It went like this;

DF had gone to B’s to visit and the TV was on. Suddenly, DF was completely tuned in and appeared not to hear a single thing…

F: “He does this all the time! I have to limit his TV intake as he just switches off and ignores me!”
B: “You limit his TV?”
F: “Yes, to an hour and a half a day. Unless I need to get some college work done then I just sit him in front of the TV and put Narnia on.”

So she literally places him in front of the TV like a toddler in order to keep him entertained whilst she”s busy! He’s 25! Hello?!

Anyway, about the dream…I dreamed that my housemate’s aunty came over to the room I’d moved into in place of her niece. She wanted to use the en-suite but I explained she couldn’t. She then proceeded to open a very private letter of mine and climb into my bed to read it at which point I started shouting at her to get out of my room. She protested and said, “But I’ve just warmed my toes up!” I called my housemate down to aid me and then her niece also popped into the picture, rolled her eyes towards her aunty and exclaimed, “oh no! She’s drunk again!” which is when I noticed the empty litre bottle of Newcastle Brown (old school eh?) in her hands. Then we had a wrestling match on as she was swiftly, if a little messily, evacuated out of my room. Then the dream switched to me driving my car home with C and J in the back. My hair was soaking and J was pestering to stop by at the park to eat a McDonalds, I refused due to my hair and when we returned home, C was at a loss at how to entertain J for the afternoon. I breezily replied, “Why don’t you just put Narnia on for him?” And then, I woke up! How strange!

Is it really all too much to expect a little bit of adult conversation in class? Not the X rated adult type that I was dealt, but more of the mature well thought out flowing conversation one might come to associate with taking a higher education course.

After enduring a painful hour of listening to idiots speaking about “fisting” (totally crass and unnecessary in a ladies company), smoking weed, old cartoons and who’s “rooting” who, I had really had just about enough! What kind of idiot pairs a lady with three hooligans? I shall kick them all into touch before semesters out, I don’t wear 6 inch heels for nothing. However, saying that, thank God for the time arriving where I could jump in my car and escape to the boutiques of my street and whittle my time away looking at sparkling jewels, delicate cupcakes and erm…pervy white van men. Oi Oi! Oh well, escape is too much to ask it seems. Holla at yo boy!

Had to wait around for a long time in Costa for a large Earl Grey to go due to a huge crowd building at the till and difficulty in squeezing through. Bless the Barista who took it upon himself to fight the rabid beasts to deliver my tea safe and sound…What ho peasant! Bringeth the beige nectar to me! How delightful.

I’m actually very impressed with myself this afternoon as I have devoted a very long time to reading up on current affairs and reading into the Cultural delights this City has to offer. Driving back the other day, I’d forgotten how much the city skyline takes my breath away at night. Truly beautiful. I intend to take full advantage of the pretty lights with D on Wednesday with a special picnic.

In other news, I interviewed for a job today. The strange thing was I had to video myself on my very own webcam talking about…yours truly. What is the etiquette for recording oneself? Show a little toothy smile or pout demurely? Look directly into the camera at all times or to coyly look away once in a while? Be bubbly and enthusiastic like a daft Labrador or be serenely mysterious? I was not sure so I did what any respectable self assured young lady would do…tried a bit of everything. Step aside ladies, this ones on me. It was not until I had sent the application that I noticed the whip and feather boa hanging in the background to my right…C’est la vie!

Have you ever had those special moments that you’ve desperately not wanted to end? Ever? How about a whole long weekend full of those moments? To say I’ve had the most perfect weekend of my life would be a severe understatement.
This weekend I:
1. Threw a surprise 21st Party for D
2. Cried. A lot. (But over what a lovely time we had)
3. Drank way too much Champagne, Cocktails, Wine & Whisky…
4. Danced like an absolute bitch on heat
5. Met lots of lovely, funny, people
6. Got accosted by many Asian men (“Ay B, you is lookin’ fresh innit?”)
7. Got hammered by killer heels
8. Failed to notice a man running after me and shouting me to stop at the Pay Box at a Country Park
9. Had a couples massage with D and an elbow to the arse (anybody who’s had one of these will understand very well)
10. Used a Sauna & Steam room for the first time
11. Carried his Lordship (aka the boyfriend) like a true lifeguard
12. Pulled a Spa Member in his bright blue goggles
13. Had lots of sleepy time in a big comfy hotel bed
14. Paddied about dinner
15. Introduced D to Croissants and Waffles
16.  Had an amazingly perfect time

I really am amazed at how perfect everything turned out. I feel almost as if everything has all been some kind of euphorical dream and that when I wake up in the morning, there will be no knowledge of it even happening. I can’t thank everybody involved enough and for the first time in a long time, I felt happy from the bottom of my heart. What’s the biggest thing I did this weekend? Fallen in love all over again…

The weather over the past few days has been absolutely beautiful, that beautiful that I took to the park with D and the puppy for a picnic. Ended up meeting a few more canine friends as they came up to our blanket to have a sniff around at the McDonalds bags (sorry dogs, too late!) and size up (or down) my chi chi. There’s nothing more discomforting than having a huge, heavy breathing white doggie face suddenly appear between you both to cries of “NO CHARLIE!!!!” in the distance…

Anybody who’a had a personal trainer will understand me when I say that there’s a real Love Hate relationship going down between the two of you. Hate when they’re in your face shouting, “COME ON! PUSH! BREATHE OUT!” (Mate, I’m not in labour here. I’m on a bloody exercise bike!) and Love when you feel the ‘walking on air’ benefit afterwards. I’m determined to get in shape for the all important special someone’s birthday next weekend but really, how many stones can you shed in a week? Better get on the speed foods and doing overtime on the treadmill!

It’s unreal how much I’m stressing over the whole thing. Sleepless nights, beauty regimes and attention to detail are just the tip on the iceberg.

On a lighter note, I managed to conquer my fear of stand up sunbeds today. Proud, much? Yes, I may have dragged my mum into the tanning booth with me, yes I may have made her stand there and coach me throughout the torturous 4 minutes of ray blasting, but I did it! Finally! This brings me on to something that really confused me, people who use tanning beds will understand what I mean but what on earth is the point of the tiny eye covers the spa give you that hold the name…wait for it…Winkies?! I obviously understand that they need to be worn to protect the eyes, but they’re about as effective as spitting at a whale. Tiny golden stickers that you’re meant to push into a conical shape and wear in a way not dissimilar to the single eye glass sported by the Duke in Cinderella. They literally make you look like a prat. Standing there naked wearing golden cones in your eyes…somebody must be having a right laugh somewhere.

My afternoon was not nearly as satisfying as my morning: it’s safe to say that my puppy is no Lassie when you’re in a spot of bother. I knocked myself out earlier today by standing up and banging my head on a window (idiot strikes again) and woke up to the puppy running around me yapping with glee. She obviously thought it was an amazingly fun game of playing dead. As I tried to stand up with blurred vision and a throbbing head she took to biting my fingers as hard as she could and ragging my sleeves. Sigh.

After spending all afternoon in bed sleeping, I’m still nowhere near clear of the throb in my head and what’s even worse is that a huge moth just landed on my hand whilst I’m sat here typing. Yes, just now! Admittedly, I just had the biggest spaz attack ever and am now sat in fear of the beasts return. This will definitely be a sleepless night…

I decided the other day that I’d have a full day of spa-like pampering complete with a hair mask and homemade face and body mask. It was only ever meant to be a facemask to start with – full of natural yoghurt, honey and a dash of milk but soon enough I found myself stood in the bathroom, not dissimilarly to John Wayne, looking like I was ready to be popped in the oven and roasted at 180 for an hour and a half. I was literally honey glazed…like a big fat piece of ham. But now I am proudly sporting silky smooth skin. Bothered? Nope.

Which complete and utter idiot thought it would be good to mix tequila with red, white and rose wine last night? Oh yes, that idiot would be me. How is it that a simple outing for lunch turned into one of the alcohol fuelled nights that leaves more than just a bitter taste in your mouth? After waking up in cow print pyjama bottoms and a top that read ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ (this was hilarious actually with the state of my face, satisfaction…don’t be bloody daft you must be having a giraffe) I felt the familiar pound of a sore head. All I can say is literally thank the Lord for a Lancôme skincare routine and my Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat. Oh and copious amounts of English Breakfast Tea and jam on toastie loaf. I am never drinking again, (lies) well, at least never mixing everything up again (more lies). Oh…stuff it. Have you ever felt seriously hungover that you really could not manage to even drag yourself out of the bath? My God, I felt like I was climbing a huge bubbly mountain, not even getting started on the washing my hair part. Today has not been a good day.

Anyway, to leave things on a brighter pondering note, I heard this question today: can you still say “put it where the sun doesn’t shine” on a nudist beach? Interesting, very interesting!

Decided to take the pooch on a little expedition to the post office today, she seemed to rather enjoy having a nosey around the neighbourhood. It was all going terribly well until a bus came roaring past and I ended up with L flying from my arms and up onto my shoulder where she sat cowering. I dare say I have a parrot in furry chi-chi disguise. Got approached by an 8 year old girl with her friend who exclaimed “Excuse me, can I touch your puppy please?” Yes love, the left or right? I obviously jest, that would be extremely inappropriate…

Speaking of inappropriate, my Dad had a blood test today and his conversation with the Nurse panned out like this:

Nurse: “In a moment you’ll feel a small scratch.”

Dad: “Since when did you start saying ‘small scratch’ instead of ‘small prick?’”

Nurse: “Ever since I told an old man he’d feel a ‘small prick’ and he replied with, ‘oooh, have you been peeping?’”

Jesus Christ Almighty…

I’ve had such an unproductive day today it’s unreal. I woke up with good intentions to watch breakfast news (did that), read The Independent (managed that one too), tackle the washing (check), read up on LFW (ermmm), wash the car (ah…nope), and hoover the house (say what?) So yes, on the production scale I did not do too well. Instead I made lunch, fainted in the process then had to have a couple of hours lying down resting which consisted of fielding telephone calls and waking up to texts.

I feel SO bored with life at the moment…yawn. It’s such a boring process of waking up, doing the housework, eating and then sleeping only to wake up and do it all again. I guess it’ll be much better in a couple of weeks when the puppy will be able to get out and about so we can go for nice walkies every day. Where have the glamorous days gone of retail therapy, nice lunches out, girly coffee meet ups, salon visits and heart-fluttering dates? Down the drain along with my money I suspect.

Anyway, time for a fresh start tomorrow by an early visit to the gym. I need my personal trainer to whip me into shape just in time for the special surprise birthday celebrations I have planned. I would reveal more but then it wouldn’t be a surprise would it? (I can so imagine the face of disdain right now). Good things come to those who wait, right D?

Don’t you just hate those days where you feel completely miserable and lost and can’t even have a break by getting outside because of the pouring rain? Even a cup of Earl Grey and Vanilla tea in my favourite teacup sat watching the rain didn’t manage to lift my mood that much. Or even indulging in my current can’t-put-it-down book. And it’s all my fault…

At some point last night I remember thinking, “oh fiddlesticks, tomorrow’s hangover is going to be a killer.” Yet, it didn’t stop my alcohol fuelled brain into telling me that one more glass of Rose would not help the coming problem. And so I had another….three. Waking up today on a rather deflated air bed was made a million times worse by the sickly feeling in my stomach and the persistent pounding in my head. I remembered one of the boys asking me out the night before and politely declining several times over. Like my headache, he was also very persistent.

Dribbling drunk guy: “Do you really not want to go on a date with me?”
Me: “No. Thank you.”
Dribbling drunk guy: “So, why? Don’t you fancy me?”
Me: “No…I don’t. I’m not interested.”
Dribbling drunk guy: “Just one date?”
Me: “For God sake…NO!!!”
Dribbling drunk guy: “I’ll show you a good time love”
Me: “And I’ll show you a black eye. Love.”

I really do not understand why the word “no” is so terribly difficult to understand.

How the heck can you still be miserable when you have a perfectly chilled glass of champagne along with a Frappuccino Mousse on the side waiting to be devoured? Goodness knows but it’s very possible.

I managed to have a good old laugh at Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow on TV though. There’s a guy I know who always, always wears Lacoste shirts and claims they’re “quality gear, mate” (I like your crocodile mate. Wink, wink) anyway, it just so happens that said crocodile was a topic of discussion on the show: “I’m wearing a designer label…I have money that’s why. Look at my crocodile, you don’t have one do you? Do you?! I’m that rich that sometimes………………………………my crocodile plays Polo.”Now, imagine this said in a London/Berkshire accent (apparently that’s what the Reading accent now sounds like according to Paul Kerswill) coming out of a not too dissimilar figure to Peter Kay and you have quite an amusing image.

I also got a laugh out of a conversation from a friend who had been refunded by an online store for £2,400 instead of the mere £24.00 he actually paid for the offending item. It’s been 11 days now and the money is still sitting pretty in his bank account, he thinks that they won’t notice you see. I found it highly amusing as I know he is a big shopper of the Kappa brand. I’m thinking that upon the loss of £2,400 I should say the company would be well and truly bankrupt. You ballsed that one up Mr Refund man didn’t you?!

When I finally talked my parents into getting me the perfect little puppy, I never imagined such a cute little ball of fluff could be so horrendously smelly! Myself and the puppy were casually laid out on the sofa this afternoon watching “Vets in Action”, she was laid over my chest looking all cute and hiccupping then all of a sudden a stench hit me that would be powerful enough to knock Al Murray down to the ground. Good heavens above…where the hell is the puppy spray when you need it?!

I was slightly confused when I woke up this morning. First of all, the sun was just starting to rise (I haven’t witnessed this for some months now so this was the first sign something strange was happening), second of all…no hangover? Surely as soon as I moved it’d hit me? But no…no hangover what so ever. This is most surprising since I consumed my probable body weight in Cointreau, Patron, Red and White wine last night with the girls whilst cooking a Thai Green Curry. It’s quite worrying that maybe my body is getting used to the copious cocktail of alcohol being thrown at it. I think I need to cut the cocktails and tally up on the tea…or Starbucks Frappuccinos.

I’m starting to seriously question my sanity today. I took a drive to remind myself where my spiritualist church meeting is tonight and I cannot for the life of me find the sodding church! Forgive my blasphemy Lord for it is terribly unholy of me, Amen. How can it be that it was there last week and now I can’t seem to see it? I’m most confused…also, when I was making a cup of tea earlier I managed to confuse myself again by placing my teabag in the dishwasher and my spoon in my bin. Have you ever, ever felt like this? How strange things happen, when you’re going round the twist! (Sorry…I had to do that).

I’ve been thinking today (yes…scary) about what I want to do in my life before I’m 30 so I’ve compiled my own little list of ’30 things to do before I’m 30′ and narrowed it down to the top ten…

1. Go to New York and buy a copy of The New Yorker and read page 6!

2. Vist Paris with D and stand on top of the Eiffel tower at midnight in time to see all the City lights twinkle!

3. Go to a proper baseball game in America and shout at the players whilst eating a big fat hotdog and drinking a HUGE slurpie.

4. Learn how to not get my heart broken several times over. By the same person.

5. Win a competition…any competition…I NEVER win competitions!

6. Be an accomplished freelance writer for the likes of Vogue, Esquire, Harpers or Tatler.

7. Marry! Hello husband

8. Own several pairs of Manolos…

9. Live somewhere that isn’t here…

10. Generally have my life sorted out…LOL jk that will NEVER happen!

I have a question to ask. How the heck does anybody manage to go into stand up tanning pods and endure six minutes of rays to perfect the lobster look? I attempted to take a six minute tan fix today for the very first time and completely freaked out. I literally am such a pussy (although I shall never, ever admit this when D accuses me of being so). It wasn’t until I was stood completely naked in the pod (no tan lines ladies…) with a pair of terribly unflattering goggles on my head that I decided I was too scared to step into the booth and be frazzled. I stood there, naked, for around three minutes deciding whether to face my fear or calmly get dressed and emerge red faced. I chose the second option and faced such a mickey taking that I wish I’d gone and scared myself to death after all. Walking out of the salon with a bright red face, minimum pride and a refund of £3 I decided this would not be an experience I would like to repeat. Make Believe fake tan…here I come.

I’m feeling in a calm mood tonight which is strange considering I felt less than alright a few small hours ago. Decided to watch Julie & Julia; one of my favourite films ever. It combines everything I adore from food to Paris to etiquette and love. Perfect when teamed with a large glass of red wine and mood lighting.